The Look Of Change

Traveling & living as nomads has made me...I’m not even sure there’s one single word for it.

In all the planning, the one thing I wasn’t prepared for was the change that breathed through our souls. My sister and I spoke of traveling tonight and her words perfectly expressed what my heart felt but couldn’t articulate. “It can be like a fresh start too. No matter how much we don’t want to admit it. We all bend and mold to the people around us and our surroundings. Traveling and exploring strips that. Its like a spiritual cleanse. You come into towns and meet people exactly as you are with no built up idea from how you have been living.” So much truth.

We don’t always mean to mold and conform to others. Yet sometimes in the every day we find ourselves slowly changing, molding, conforming. There’s so many reasons why, but often they are unintentional and go unnoticed. Without ever realizing it we begin to forget who we are or lose our own identity.

Even now I wonder if I ever really understood who I always was. My world so driven by the opinions of others, the desperation to gain approval, to please those around me. How many years have I lived for everyone except myself?

It wasn’t until I saw this photo tonight that her words struck so true. I have already begun to find so much of who I am on this journey. So much so that I feel it can be seen in my face. We’ve been gone not even a month and my oldest seems to have aged years, his maturity far beyond what it was a few short weeks ago. I barely recognize the young man who kayaked the river with me tonight underneath the hot summer sky.

Being alone and away from all that we’ve ever known is the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. Yet when I stare into the eyes of my oldest I know that I am finally starting to see all that he is in the truest sense because he too has been given that space. Knowing he is finding himself at such an early age is something I am so overwhelmed by.

And for the first time I know that when he looks into my face, staring into my eyes and holding it with his little hands...I know he can tell that it is truly his mother in every way.

Just as I am.

Me...that’s the word.