Today was a day that not everyone will understand. One that not many will ever have to deal with. One that I have tucked deep inside not knowing how to deal with.
Today was the day that I fully accepted that this amazing boy has sensory processing issues. Today I finally allowed my walls to come down in order to be open about it rather than to hide it. Today was a day that I realized the desperate need to embrace it rather than fix it.
What kind of mother wants to admit that some days they are exhausted by their kids to the point of bitterness. What kid of mother doesn’t tell people they’ve been taking their kid to occupational therapy for emotional and sensory issues because they never really realized how taboo it felt until they had to walk that road. What kind of mother allows the opinions of others tell her that her child is being disrespectful instead of defending their child’s sensory meltdown.
Who on earth would do that?
Me...and probably more just like me who are to scared or guiltily or shameful to admit it.
For far to long I have put the opinions of others before him. For far to long I have put my own demands before him. And I can paint it pretty all day by saying I’ve tried but today was the day that I was honest with myself and asked...tried for who...and how hard. Because when it all boils down, this is on me.
From the moment I was honest it was as if our whole journey shifted. Saying it out loud felt like a weight was lifted. Instantly I knew I was not alone. That I was not the only one. That I wasn’t a bad mom. I felt like I could breath because I could finally say it’s hard. The days are so hard.
And as soon as my heart shifted it was if I saw him in a new light. All the uniqueness that God has made him in seemed to shine to the surface. It was as if I could suddenly see his heart and all that it was going though. I wanted to hold him, to hug him, to apologize to him, to share with him. Instead I simply stood back and let him play in the snow, without a coat or hat for a few. Instead just let him fly. Instead I let him be himself. Because from now on, it’s about helping him simply be him.
Just as he was made.